Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook for their actions, but freeing ourselves of negative energies that bind us to them. Satsuki Shibuya
In mid-June, I found myself having a very emotional, raw conversation with my uncle. If you know me well enough, you also know my Uncle Joey. He is the most down-to-earth, most fun guy you will ever meet. He is my father figure, the guy I can depend on for anything and everything; he has taught me the ropes of life. My uncle and I's relationship is hilarious. We mock, make fun, and use sarcasm with one another, yet we both distinguish the great amount of respect and gratitude we have for each other. I say this to emphasize that we do not typically have deep conversations, but when we do, it is beyond powerful.
I had a setback in my life at the beginning of summer and was struggling to maintain balance within my day-to-day routine. On Father's Day, I decided to spend the day with my uncle, aunt, and their kids. I knew, without a doubt, that my spirits would be lifted because their two kids are so pure and full of life. It is genuinely impossible to be upset when a six-year-old and a two-year-old is running at you with all their energy to give you the biggest bear hug. I only anticipated being there for two to three hours, but I ended up being there for almost eight because my uncle and I got to talking. He and I talked for four hours, and he enlightened me about a few aspects on life. One being the power of forgiveness.
In previous posts, I have faintly mentioned my stubbornness. As much as I hate to admit it...
I. can. be. stubborn.
It is not something I am proud of, but I have been working on modifying this trait of mine. My mindset on forgiveness had always been, "If you forgive, you show the person that they can do it again," and let me tell you, that is so wrong. Being stubborn is nothing but draining; it does not get you anywhere, in fact, it makes you feel stuck. The purpose of this blog is to show my real, authentic self: the good, the bad, the ugly. It is to show the progress I make within and what I aim to change to create a better version of who I am. The past summer, I made the decision to put the stubbornness aside and practice forgiving those who have hurt me. And if I want you to take anything from this post, it is this: forgiving is freeing.
I want to share with you the conversation my uncle and I had. I cannot type four hours worth of advice he gave, but I will try my best to summarize it. At the time, I was struggling to find peace with what someone did to me. I resented them, and I could not find it in me to move on and forgive. I remember ranting, cursing, and crying to my uncle, feeling so burnt out. I did not yearn for any wisdom he had, I just wanted an excuse to release my anger and frustration. When I was finished, my uncle asked me how I felt, and to be honest, I felt even worse. I felt debilitated because here I was, reflecting on something that I could not change. The last thing I wanted to hear was to forgive, but that is exactly what my uncle encouraged me to do. To forgive the person and move on with my life.
Forgive others to find your peace. It is much easier to hate someone for what they did than it is to forgive and come to terms with the past. I realized that the more attention I gave to the situation and person only brought me down; it made me upset and confused all the time. The more I talked about it, the more riled up and aggressive I became. The biggest part that I despised was that I was letting this person have so much power over me. My uncle guided me to change the game: to find the positivity in the unfair acts of another and grow from the experience. In no way, shape, or form could I ever forget what this person made me feel like, but forgiving them put me in control, and they no longer had a hold of me, especially not in a negative way.
I was not able to forgive with a snap of my fingers--it took a couple of weeks. There were times where I felt weak and defeated, but I sat myself down and repeated this to myself:
One's actions do not define me. Forgive so that you can prosper.
With this simple affirmation, I was able to keep my head held high and let go. I no longer see their past actions as a connection to who I am, but as a reflection of who they are as a person. I did not forgive so that this person could feel content, I forgave to release the negativity and frustration they had on me and to grow and maintain a healthy state of mind.
My mother, as all may know by now, is my hero. I talk about her all the time on my blog. Whenever I have a deep conversation with a person, I always come home and reflect with her (plus I love hearing her input). We conversed about the topic of forgiveness, and she invited me to share one of her experiences to broaden people's perspectives.
The day she and my father got divorced, my father took her aside after court and apologized for all the disruption he caused on her life, all the unhappiness he created. My mom had all the right to walk away without saying a word because she truly did not owe this man a thing, but she hugged him and said, "You can no longer hurt me, I forgive you," because she did not wish to carry the weight of his actions on her shoulders. After all, she had a new life ahead of her. She was finally free from distress, yet showed my father that he no longer had an influence on her. She was her own person. I grew up hearing that story. Whenever I ranted to my mom about something that disrupted my peace, she looked at me and told me to forgive. I remember rolling my eyes and saying, "You just do not understand," but she did--I was the one who did not understand. I never understood why she forgave my father, but after the conversation with my uncle, it became clear. She forgave him for herself and her energy, not for him.
Forgiveness is a tricky concept, believe me, I get it. The last thing you probably want to do is let someone off the hook when they have wronged you. I encourage you to practice this new mindset: forgive for yourself. The other person does not even need to know that they are forgiven: be at peace that you were shown their true colors and be pleased to know that they no longer get to disrupt your happiness. The minute you master this practice, life becomes simpler. Take it from the stubborn girl who turned to the silent treatment whenever a person made her upset, being so angry at someone only makes you miserable. It takes up so much of your energy; the same energy that you could be redirecting to make yourself better.
People make mistakes; I have made mistakes. With this post, I do not intend for anyone to read this and think that every time a person hurts you, you should never speak to them again. Simply, divert that frustration you may have into something greater. It has been almost two months since my conversation with Uncle Joey and I am still practicing and learning new techniques to let go, but I managed to forgive that person and find a deeper meaning in their actions. I found my peace, and I strongly encourage you to do the same. If you have someone or something that is holding you back from your furthest potential, reflect and think about how your life would be if you just let go of that negativity.
Spoiler alert: it will be even more beautiful.