The other day, I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. I was talking about some of my ideas for upcoming posts since I have not been on top of this whole blogging thing. Since college, work and catching up with friends have been my top priority, but because things are slowly calming down, I decided to start reflecting on new entries and if my opinions on the topics are strong enough to write about. I aim for this platform to be optimistic, uplifting, a piece to read when you need encouragement. While explaining some of my topics to my friend, she told me to write something that I have been trying to accept, not something that I have already been practicing and feel confident about. When I asked her to clarify what she means, she stated something along the lines of:
"You always try and be positive, write about something you have been struggling with and how you aim to fix it."
She had a point. Afterall, the title of my blog is Leah: In Progress. I have the tendency to write about things that come easy to me; things that I have grown up with and have come to terms with. There are many imperfect traits about me. Traits that I aim to adjust to make myself a stronger, more acceptable person for myself. It is easy to seem ideal on the internet; it is easy to create a life that is not yours. This blog is for you to relate to; it is for you to realize that, although some may try to attempt to keep their image on social media "glass half full" and enthusiastic, there are still certain things one deals with behind closed doors.
That being said, one of the aspects about myself that I have been working on is accepting the fact that I will not be everyone's cup of tea. For as long as I can remember, I have tried pleasing everyone. I have done the whole shebang: adjusting personality to fit in, changing looks to appear more "acceptable" to society's standards (which is BS, by the way), and shoving my own needs aside to benefit one other's. What is the biggest takeaway I got? I was never satisfied with the person I created myself to be. I guarantee, with every bone in my body, each person that I altered myself to get along with are no longer in my life. I will never regret my past, but I do wish these people had the privilege to meet the person I actually am.
The whole putting up a front thing became exhausting, so I just stopped. I stopped trying so hard with the people whose energy was not compatible with my own. I stopped trying to alter myself to please someone who is not fit for my life. This. is. not. a. bad. thing; it is easy to assume that it is. We all are so different. We all have unique aspects about us that do not correlate with someone else's. You just have to find your people. One of the biggest pieces of wisdom I wish I could explain to my younger self is to stop trying to keep every relationship. Whether it was a friendship, a significant other, a family member, people outgrow people. There will come a time in life where you are so satisfied with the people you surround yourself with that you will no longer need to "fit in." The support system I have today makes me feel the most alive. I have never needed to modify myself or pretend to be someone I am not with them. You will know who is supposed to be in your life and who is not. Be okay with distancing yourself from those who drain your energy. It is better to be alone than to be in relationships with people who make you feel alone.
So, if I stopped altering myself to be likeable, what do I still need to work on? Although I learnt my lesson and am comfortable with who I am, it does not change the fact that people will not like me. I can be my complete self, show a person kindness and friendship, lend a helping hand, and this person may still decide that I do not benefit their lifestyle. This, is what I am still in progress over. The concept that I can do everything and more, and still not be adequate for someone.
In college, I met a person who I clicked with instantly. I considered this person to be a great friend of mine. We built a strong friendship for about two months. We went over to each other's dorms, we shared stories and advice, we had the same humor, they gave me fantastic fashion advice, we were partners in cup pong, etc. Around the new year, we were slowly drifting apart. We were not conversing as much nor calling each other. Typically when this happens, I still consider the person to be a great friend. See, my mindset is that if we once had a strong bond, no time apart could ruin that connection. I knew I was still able to go to this person, and I hope this person knew that they could have gone to me. I was hit with a big surprise when I noticed they removed me on social media in January.
This situation pushed me in the right direction, believe it or not. This person knew I was a people-pleaser; they gave me endless advice to stray away from this habit of mine and to focus on my own needs. With them removing themselves from my life, it gave me an opportunity to take their advice and put it into effect. Life works in coincidental ways. My energy was not compatible to theirs. My timeline did not benefit theirs. I had to be okay with that. It took some time, and there were moments where I wanted to reach out and ask "why"or "why was there no explanation", but a person will show you exactly what they want. Actions are louder than words, and by this person removing themself, I pieced together the puzzle. Did it hurt? Duh, but like I said, people outgrow people.
I have spent years and years trying to figure out who I am, what I want, who I yearn to be. By doing so, I have faced rejection from friends and significant others. I have had friends who would rather talk behind me rather than to me. I have dealt with uncomfortable situations where I did not recognize the person I was portraying to be. As an adolescent, it is required to go through these predicaments. I have identified the person I am. I understand what I will stand for, and what I will not stand for. I practice my morals daily. I take into account for my actions and try to exemplify the woman I desire to be to each person I come across. Even with all of this being said, there will be people who are better off without my lifestyle.
What am I doing to actively try and remind myself that this is okay?
1. Showing my authentic self from the get-go.
I no longer want to alter myself. I want to say that I did all that I could to showcase my personality. That way, I know that it is solely based off of preference and choice for someone to walk the opposite direction.
2. Stick with the people who love me for me.
Like I said previously, my support system right now is a dream. Although I love meeting new people and creating beautiful connections, I have to remember that even though one person may not want my friendship, others will. One's opinion is not all.
3. There is always a reason.
Either they do not fit my needs, or I do not fit theirs. I need to remember to stop taking it personal. I will not be losing anything if a person who is not right for my life, walks away. There is always a purpose for someone's rejection.
With these three key viewpoints, I hope that my mindset of someone's rejection being a reflection of myself flips to I am glad I gained the opportunity to know them as a person. Younger Leah would have forced these connections, and to understand the growth that I would rather now walk away from someone rather than walking away from myself, is rejuvenating.
You will not be everyone's cup of tea. Everyone is entitled to their own life and who is in it. I encourage you to build the life and the support system you desire. I have a ton more work to do. I find out more about myself every day: new foods I enjoy, new people who bring out different qualities of myself that I never knew I needed, new places that bring inspiration, and so much more. The finish line is no where near. I cannot wait to make myself a stronger, more experienced person. Life is supposed to be changing, supposed to be exciting. Welcome new aspects, and get rid of those that dispirit you. Whatever you do, or wherever you go, make sure it is what you want. Stop basing life off of society's standards or to fit in. Fitting in is overrated.
