If you cannot beat fear just do it scared. Glennon Doyle Melton.
One thing I struggle with: worrying about the future.
What ifs, constant worrying if I am doing the right thing, and over-analyzing every small detail are part of the daily routine. I struggle with finding peace that I am exactly where God planted me to be. I struggle with understanding that the life I am living is exceeding my past self's expectations. I focus solely on the future tense when I should be enjoying the day that was gifted to me.
The reason why I worry about the future is because it is unknown; I am not in control of it, yet I crave to be. Yesterday, I had no idea what today would bring. A year ago, I had no idea I would be a writing major and publicize this blog into something greater. Five years ago, I had no idea I would attend the college I am at and meet the people who I cannot imagine life without. When they say, "Life works in funny ways," they are not lying. The future is not promised, and I have been trying to accept the concept that I will be guided to the life I am destined to live.
It is 1 a.m. on a Sunday, and I cannot convince myself to fall asleep. Usually, when this happens, I count to a hundred about six times (I read somewhere that you will never actually count to a hundred six times before you doze off and I think I gaslit myself to believe it). Before I got to counting, I started to reflect on the past year. It was not a negative reflection, but a blessed one. I tend to live life and forget I am not invincible. Quite literally, I may not gain the privilege of waking up tomorrow, and here I am worrying about the smallest details of my day. As 2023 slowly comes to an end, I find myself coming to terms with everything the year brought. The love, the anger, the sadness, but most importantly, the year brought me an abundant amount of thanks. The blessings I have received, the new friendships I have made, and the personal growth I have encountered outweigh any worries I had.
I think I can speak for the majority that when you worry about something that has not occurred yet, it consumes you. You are constantly thinking of your next move, the result of it, and the consequences that follow. I cannot even begin to imagine how many times I have held myself back from beautiful experiences or feelings due to my internal struggle with doubt. I preach following your heart; I preach going after things you are passionate about. I will not lie--I can be such a hypocrite with this. I will tell my friend to follow their dream while in the meantime, I am holding myself back from something I desire with the fear of it not working out in my favor. But what if it does?
That is the big "what if" in question. I think it is necessary to have a blueprint for your future. I have one, you probably have one, chances are everyone has one. I can quite literally picture the life I want in ten years, but that is in ten years. Why are you worrying about something that might happen in ten years when you do not even know if you will make it through tomorrow? It is a habit of mine to think I have this great amount of time to wait. In the time of waiting, a breath-taking opportunity might present itself, yet I am looking in the opposite direction.
Life. is. not. promised. Do. whatever. you. want. that. will. improve. your. life. now.
That is me talking to you, but mostly reminding myself (I listen more when there are breaks in the sentences hence the periods for a dramatic effect). No, but seriously, you are better off making today the best day of your life rather than waiting for the best day of your life to eventually happen when you are old and wrinkly.
Whenever you are at a stage of worry or uncertainty, remember that life moves on.
You did not get the job?
You end up with a job that fits your schedule more.
You get rejected by a boy or girl?
The love of your life is the cashier selling you the tissues that you desperately need at the moment.
You get diagnosed with a chronic illness?
You face all odds and overcome it.
Your friend went behind your back?
At least you have one less negative person in your life.
You are having family problems?
You gain the opportunity to become independent and focus on your own needs.
With every concern, there is a solution. It comes with time, but why worry about something that is no longer in your control? Once an unfortunate situation happens (speaking to myself, too, because I am so guilty of this), you cannot change the outcome, you can only change the way you react. You can be mad at the world; you can blame everything on your pain, but nothing will reverse what happened. Learn from it, and move on. The beauty of life--it changes every day.
I gained the privilege to meet Peter. Peter is not your typical guy. He is an English, eighty-year-old traveler. How did my path cross his, especially if he is from London, you may ask? No clue, but I will never forget our interaction. He walked into the restaurant I work at and sat in my section. The entire meal, we never had a personal conversation. I asked him for his drink order, his food order, and occasionally if he needed anything while he was waiting for his meal. As I give him his bill, he starts talking my ear off. When I say this, I mean I was standing at his table for almost an hour while all my co-workers were closing down their stations. Here I was with Peter, at this point, fully intrigued with what he had to say.
Peter explained to me that he has lived a good life. When I asked what he meant, he simply stated, "I feel accomplished," and that simple statement hit me like a truck. He has traveled to almost every country, talked to as many people as he could, he has fallen in love, experienced loss when that love passed away, experienced parenthood and empty nests, and so much more. He went on a tangent that he has done everything (besides going to India, which he said was his next stop) he has been called to do. I asked him for advice and the biggest takeaway I got from him: talk to people everywhere you go. Build connections because who knows what stories, opportunities, or heartful conversations you will have with a simple introduction. For introverts, this may be found more difficult which I understand, but Peter rode on a tractor and collected crops in a random city with a random farmer because he asked how long it takes to harvest the vegetables. How cool is that?
Why do I bring up Peter? He lives day by day. Here he was in a small city in Michigan eating a nice meal, and he asked me, "How far is Niagara Falls from here?" I replied, "About five hours," and he made up his mind right then and there that he would wake up the next morning and travel to Canada before booking it back to London on his flight that would take off in Chicago. He had no idea where he would end up the next day, nor did he care. He is creating this, "Do as you want," life that I have aspired to have for the longest time. It is way, way, way easier to say than do. After all, I am still a college student living paycheck to paycheck. I cannot pull a Peter and jump on a plane just because I feel like it. Peter went through the ugliest times of history--he deserves to go to Niagara Falls if he so pleases. However, regarding my limitations, Peter woke me up to the fact that the only thing stopping me from doing whatever I wish is myself.
If you truly step back and think: life should not be taken so seriously. Be cautious of your well-being, but if you want to do something, please, for the sake of Peter, just do it. Either two things will happen: you do what you desire and you get the outcome, or you do what you desire and you do not get what you want. No biggie--you will probably forget about it in five years anyway (follow the five-year rule, I swear it is life-changing). Stop putting limitations on your life due to fear that it will not work out. Because what if it does?
This entry is a big reminder for me, too. I hold myself back because I am scared to let my future self down, but I feel as if I will let her down if I just do not go for the things I want now. My future is important to me, and I know your future is important to you, but again, tomorrow is not promised.
